nanowrimo_lj | Oh no, not me again... (Reply)

...but I figured why not; I was enjoying the summaries others posted, so maybe some of you will enjoy mine.

If you were searching for a politically correct, mature, predictable, trite, emotionally satisfying novel, look elsewhere. This book is not for people offended by self-absorption, vulgar language, or pretty much anything at all. If you want 50,000 words of false security and fake happiness, there is a Disney store in a mall near you pimping out more volumes of Pooh than A. A. Milne even wrote.

The Kleptomaniacal Adventures of an Unwashed Thief in A Noble Quest

In the first scene, the MC is busily trying to get himself a case of VD. He very nearly gets his arse kicked for it, which gives us a two out of three on the Sex, Violence, and Very-Drunk-Bard rating.

Perret's sorry skin is saved against his will by a party of adventurers setting out to find five invaluable magical artifacts. They need a thief to help them procure each item after they have journeyed to its location, the kind of sneaky little bastard who could wiggle his way past God himself. The party consists of the unfortunate thief; Lady Mage Lalladé, a reknowned healer and cleric; Black Sir Kandalorn, the king's finest warrior, accompanied by his mouth-breathing squire Jint; and Weese, the effeminate and hesitant scholar responsible for deciphering the riddled directions hidden in some ancient scrolls.

Our thief is more than a little pissed off by the nomination and subsequent election to an office he never ran for, but when a mage with a menstrual cycle tells you to do something, you better find out what time of the month it is before you refuse. Without a calendar and at the point of Sir Kandy's oversized blade, Perret accepts his unorthodox draft into Luthaine's secret service. Throughout their journey, he suffers a variety of indignities and torments that he describes for us in great and hilarious detail. He has nicknames for the other members of the party, dubious loyalties, and after a fashion, a tag-a-long elf named Iziku whose debt he accidentally incurs.

Viokis, the Dark Lord in the North, has already stolen the directions to one of the priceless gems, so the race is on for the other four. Henchman hinder and heckle them as they make their way through underground caverns teeming with the undead for Earth's compass, over the mountains to a ghost-guarded temple for Air's horn, across the pirate-laden Hellsea for Water's chalice, and finally to the lair of the undefeated dragon Go, deep in the desert forests of Azair, where Fire's sword lies waiting. And when they have conquered and collected these four treasures, they must storm Greyhaunt, the thorny citadel of the oxymoronic albino black mage, to retrieve Spirit's pendant before he puts it to dark use.

The cowardly kleptomaniac MC learned a lot of things growing up, but he always lacked loyalty. On and off throughout the journey, Perret's purse gets fatter and his patience gets thinner as both sides try to purchase something he does not possess.